Bryan says good bye

I saw the glares from your daughter. I just want you to know you are my favorite.

Daughter knows best

Becks - Mom, I love you but you know little about life.

Mom - I know lots about life. I choose the denial approach.

Becks - Sometimes you need to forget that optimism you are famous for and open your eyes!

Mom - No really I don't.

Becks - That is why I love you so much.

Mom - I love you too.

Baseball Season is upon us

Bob - So where is your money?

Bartender - Right here honey!

Bob - you know I am gonna win this year?

Bartender - Bob, last year you paid a months rent for me. I am counting on the same to happen this year.

Bob - Yeah but i did win ten bucks off you last year.

Bartender - See you on April 20th! When the Yankees and the Sox play their first series!

Rip this joint

Special Ed - I stole my brother's stereo and when I set it up I just hit play on the cd player. Made me think of you immediately. It was Exile on Main Street. I never realized what great music the Stones put out.

B - If you liked that one I think I have 20 more albums you will love!

Special Ed - I will trade you Stones for a Janis Joplin box set!

B - Deal!

Geography lesson from Ralph

Just a lil' South of Sanity

There is an art to drunk dialing

Special Ed - Ok I am going to give you this but you have to promise not to turn it on until after 7am.

B - I don't think I can turn anything on within the next 24 hours!

Special Ed - Seriously. NO DRUNK DIALING!

B - I have lost my voice so we will have to go with drunk Texting!

Special Ed - That's fine I know it will take you a while to type anything decipherable!

B - Hey! I am a good drunk texter!

Special Ed - Oh I have no doubt! By the way what is a "texter"?

Happy Hour

B - I will take my tab.

Bartender - Here ya go.

B - Damn I am a cheap date!

Bartender - But I would never tell!

Zoning issues

Bartender - NO! NO! NO! Off the bar!

Intoxicated Girl - What?

Bartender - Not out of the bar just OFF the bar!

Intoxicated Girl - I can't dance on the bar?

Bartender - No, but you can dance BY the bar.

Intoxicated Girl - Why don't you have a stripper pole?

Bartender - Because we try to discourage stripping.

Customer - That's why I didn't think I liked this bar! Been trying to figure it out all night. Hey honey, I have a stripper pole at my house.

Rules of Drunk Dialing

B - Is it midnight yet?

Special Ed - Uh it's 11:30. Why?

B - I feel some drunk dialing coming on.

Rahual - Give me her phone now! Last time she was in here like this I got in trouble for not stopping her from drunk dialing!

B - I am sober enough to drunk dial responsibly!

Special Ed - (in a whisper - which in drunk world isn't a whisper at all) I turned her phone off and put it behind the bar three hours ago. Her kids know where she is and that is all she was worried about.

B - Where is my phone?

A little seriousness in the midst of mayhem!

B - Are you happy with him?

V - Yes.

B - Then nothing else matters

V - Are you happy alone?

B - Yes.

V - Then you are wise beyond OUR years.

Thank God it's Baseball Season

Customer #1 - Who are you going with in the women's final?

Customer #2 - Rutgers. Pat Summit is a bitch and really makes me dislike women's baskteball. And ya gotta love the underdog!

Customer #1 - What's the bet cause I will take Tennessee.

Customer #2 - Well you already owe me 2 prime rib dinners and I owe you a night of drinks from last years baseball season so let's go for dessert!

Customer #1 - Deal!

Gotta love technology

The faint sound of "Hey Hey We're the monkees" is playing in the background.

B - I hate when people have cell phones going off constantly at the bar!

Vicki - Um idiot, that is your phone! You left it on Chris's table

Special Ed - This is the exact reason I will not get a cell phone. I don't need help making me look like an ass!

Cribbage is not a drinking game

E - So this is how you play cribbage?

V - Isn't it a great game?

B - As long as I am winning it is the Best!

Special Ed knows best

Special Ed - So "Tight Pants Dave" had gossip

B - And?

Special Ed - He said he heard on the scanner that someone got a dui and asked to call someone named Kim and Joe and I know that can only be one of two people. Who do you think?

(Said in stereo) by B and Special Ed - Bubba!

B - I am so glad I am outta the Tight Pants Dave loop!

Special Ed is willing to bet

Special Ed - I say the Yankees go 182 - 0! Who wants to take the bet?

B - I will take that bet! How much $200? Like last year?

Special Ed - You call yourself a Yankees fan?

B - I know they are bound to lose one or two!

B - And exactly how are you going to pay me back?

Special Ed - Not in ladies lingerie like you paid me a couple years ago when we bet on one game.

B - Chicken!

A little advice to live by

I call what I do my retirement. And usually it feels like it is but… There are times it feels like more work than it is worth. Every now and then I just want to be able to say what I really think. I get paid to feed egos, pump self-esteem and inflate fantasies. Sometimes I wanted to be able to say, "You are a fucking drunk!", "You need to find a life " or "After two drinks you really become an asshole", "Please take a shower before you come back", "You are not the smartest, best looking person that comes in here", "No, I would not sleep with you for all of the Bacardi in the world!". “No, that guy would not go home with you no matter how much booze I feed him.” Unfortunately, my work ethic prevents me from doing that. So instead I say, "I think you have had enough." or "Who is driving?" or "I know there is a trooper parked up the road checking, I cannot in good conscience serve you anymore." or “How about a little water for a while” or “I can’t keep serving you these heavy drinks, the owner is watching” Or my favorite, "I am not serving you anymore because you are acting like an idiot."

For those of you who frequent bars let me give you a few tips about bartenders.

Pace yourself. Otherwise it isn't pretty and we create blogs about you.

Rest assured we have seen a few people that can drink more than you! We probably can ourselves.

Poor Hygiene isn't good. Generally the bartender is sober and has a decent sense of smell. We will shut you off earlier just to get rid of you. No matter how pissed you get.

DO NOT start with the "Oh this one or that one is the greatest person thing" It is aggravating because then we KNOW you are already drunk and it is safe to show you the door.

REMEMBER you DO get louder as the drinks go down. Unfortunately for the poor sap behind the bar a bartenders hearing doesn't weaken!

We don’t care how many bars you have been in. You know nothing about our job until you have worked behind a bar for a period of time.

Bartenders DO NOT take someone home every night so do not even go there. Most bartenders like going home alone. Spend a few hours behind a bar and witness human nature in raw form and you would want to go home alone too!

Bartenders aren't lonely. More times than not we are not interested in your advances. And most female bartenders have taken self-defense courses or come to work armed. Most bar owners are fine with this as long as there are no witnesses or bodies to dispose of.

Bartenders are usually the only sober ones in the room so when they say you're done, then dammit – YOU'RE DONE! We are only saving you some major embarrassment tomorrow and the need to try to remember who you need to apologize to or figure out why you are banned from a bar.

No matter how smart or cute or funny you are when you are sober – YOU ARE NONE OF THESE THINGS AFTER A FEW DRINKS. Trust me.

Bartenders do love MOST of their regulars. Make sure you fall into the MOST category. If you don't then tip heavy and that will insure a "good" drink and a friendly greeting the next time you come in.

Top shelf usually means sucker to a bartender! You better know what country your vodka comes from before you order it! Otherwise you know shit about vodka! If you drink mixed drinks and are looking to get a good glow, skip the expensive stuff! The hangover is the same. You are not impressing anyone. You will be happy with the couple bucks in your pocket in the morning! There are some who know the difference. Those are the ones who do not sit in bars and get drunk.

Oh and most importantly – WE DO TALK!! What happens in the bar is common knowledge by 7am and probably posted on some blog somewhere! There really is something known as “The bartenders club”. If you act like an ass, every bartender within 50 miles hears about it within 24 hours.

Remember if you take care of your bartender he/she will take care of you BUT part of taking care of your bartender is NOT being an asshole. 95% of bar customers are good ones. We will watch out for you as long as you are not a jerk on a regular basis. In the case of the Bar Jerk” – we will use you for comic relief.

Last but not least, if you think you ARE, chances are you ARE NOT the biggest tipper at the bar. So stop bragging about it every time you come in. The best tip I got to this day was a $20 bill wrapped in a napkin with “Mary Lou in the fifth” written on it. A week later I was at Hinsdale Race Track and bet on a dog named Mary Lou’s fantasy in the fifth race and won $1500. That customer had no idea that I went to races at the time. The next time he came in he and his friends tab was on me! PS – Don’t breath under water is the most over used “Tip” ever. Please stop saying it. It is only funny to you.

I have always said if you want to know “the customer pays your salary” theory work in the restaurant industry for a week. Bartenders do not make minimum wage, though we do make a little more than servers. Like servers, we count on tips to survive.

Don’t get me wrong, this post is directed at about 5% of the people bartenders deal with. The other 95% we enjoy spending time with you and you do not fall into any of these categories. If you are NOT questioning which percentage you fall into, you fall into the 5%!

My favorite to this day!

M - Why haven't we had sex yet?

B - Cause you are a total asshole!

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

Drunk Dude - Excuse me but your legs must be tired.

Relatively Sober Girl - No but that line is.

Drunk Dude - Huh?

Relatively Sober Girl - I am sorry please continue.

Drunk Dude - Cause you've have been running through my mind all night.

Relatively Sober Girl - Hmm... I haven't lost you yet?

I missed the Wine Tasting?

Husband to Bartender -We just came from a wine tasting. I really need a drink. Can I get a corona?

Wife to Husband - That's not a drink!

Wife to Bartender - Can I have a Jack on the rocks? Don't fruit the Jack please but you can fruit the wimps beer!

Bartender - Exactly how long were you two at the wine tasting? And how long have you been married? If you have been married more than 10 years I am not sure I want to serve you.

Multi Tasking!

Guy customer- How late is the laundromat open?

Girl customer- Another hour or so.

Guy customer - Oh good. Then I have time to finish my beer before I get my clothes out of the dryer. Barkeep, can you put one on ice. I will be back.

Bartender - Does everyone in the town go to a bar when their clothes are in the dryer? Is it a rule? That is the third person today who was here while drying clothes.

Girl customer - Think about this... This is NOT the closest bar to the laundromat!

A perfect pick up line.

The girl - Don't take this the wrong way but I have never had sex with a guy with brown eyes before.

The guy - I don't think I could take that the wrong way.

Are you smarter than a fifth grader

Lindsey - I have been watching this show called "Are you smarter than a fifth grader?". I love it. They ask questions like, How many sides does an Octagon have?

Becks - Five

Lindsey - Nope. Four! I actually knew the answer to that question!

Bartender - Um, Lindsey, that would be a square!

Vacation Plans

Daughter - I am going to Chili in May to see the man I am in love with.

Father - Don't make your plans just yet. I am going in April to make sure there is no need for you to go in May!

Hygiene differs from State to State

The only bad thing about moving to California is that I will have to shower and change my clothes everyday. Here you don't have to do that and I can go out in my pajamas. Out west you get looked down upon for that. That will take some getting used to.

The mute

R - How much trouble can she get in if she can't talk?

D - Oh Shit there she goes! We forgot about sign language!

The glass is half full

Rahual - I am just starting my shift and there are already three lemons in her glass.

Sara - Yeah she started early.

Rahual - I better call for back up!

The world according to Lindsey

L - Did I tell you I am moving San Diego?

B - No. When are you leaving?

L - In two weeks.

B - What brought this on?

L - Time for a change.

B - That's great! What are you going to do out there.

L - I am so excited. My apartment is five minutes from Sea World. I think I will apply for a job there. I know! I will be a whale trainer!

R - More like whale bait.

B - I think you need special education for that.

L - That's ok. I will start at the bottom. I read on the Sea World website that if you are over 21 they give you complimentary drinks?

B - Scary.

L - If that doesn't work out I will go to the San Diego Zoo and teach Giraffes to jump or something.

B - I have never seen a Giraffe jump.

L - That's cause there isn't anybody to train them.

B - I thought it was because there legs couldn't handle the stress. Good luck. Sounds like an exciting adventure.

L - Or I will just become a movie star! The most famous of the famous!

Every needs a little Special Ed

Special Ed - I was so mad that new coach got a $6000 budget, new bats, 200 baseballs and wiffle balls for drills! I had a $175 budget and six baseballs.

B - That is because they knew you could do the job without all that stuff.

Special Ed - I just love teaching the game.

EEEWWW

M - Karl can you toss my salad?

More favorite things according to Jake aka Karl

Three more things I hate
1. Donkeys
2. Rats
3. Tomatoes

M-Rick speaks his truth

When I worked on the B & O Railroad I had one customer that was a real pain in the ass.

Tonight I want to cry

Did you ever wish once that your ex could feel your pain - Martin

What does it mean to be-have

Renee - "You have to behave tonight."
Me - "I am being-have."
Renee - "That sucks. That last time you were here you were not being-have and it was hystercial! So don't be-have, ok?"
Me - "I am so being-HAVE!"
Scott - "Who the hell is HAVE?"

Easter wishes from Sara

Sara - "It's a Easter Bunny."
B - "No it's a duck, Dammit!!"
Scott - "Techinically it is a chick and your are both shut off!"

Becca knows the way it SHOULD be

I love when it is Scott's bar. I need Scott's bar... pick you up in a few!

What's wrong with Carrot Cake?

DO NOT, under any circumstances, let this woman order carrot cake! It only leads to laughter and someone going home wondering if they had just been "had"!

Kim had a happy birthday

Thanks for the wishes but I DO NOT WANT ANY CARROT CAKE!

J tries to get his way

J - "So what's up? You got a boyfriend now?"
B - "I'm workin' on it."
J - "Workin' on it doesn't mean you can't come home with me."
B - "Yeah I think it does."
J - "So you are going straight home."
B - "Maybe, maybe not. But I am not going with you."

Carmen needs to know

Pink is dirty!

Inquiries from Bryan

Isn't it smidge Thursday?

Danno says don't drink and drive

I am not driving my glass so go ahead and give me a smidge

Last Call

Who needs a ride? Oh wait can anyone still walk? The short bus is leaving, lets go!

Desperation

The drunk guy - "Is there one woman in this town that would get drunk enough to have sex with me?"

B - "Um, nope!"

Special Ed encourages Witness Protection

I could get in trouble for being here right now. If anyone shows up just tell them you had a really bad day and needed to talk. I would do the same for you.

John offers his wisdom

You should really eat something. Remember that last time you drank like this on an empty stomach. Dancing on the bar and police involvement and stuff like that.

Friends with Benefits

Ferme - "So what you are saying is that because we are friends we cannot have sex?"
His Friend - "Right."
Ferme - "I don't want to be your friend anymore."

Scott Brings Gifts

Oh I have the perfect thing for you! Something that will make a not so great night fantastic! REFRIGERATOR MAGNETS!!!!

They really do exist

Casey - Why do you still have ski goggles on your head?
Dude with goggles - These are BEER GOGGLES. Just watch. (as he lowers the ski goggles over his eyes) Wow you look beautiful.
No one was hurt in the making of this post. Though bodily harm was thought of...

A Broken Beer Bottle from Pete

You know it isn’t always about you. You can keep your bar.

Parental Guidance

Lee - There will be 12 people. They are my parents.

B - Wow must have been tough growing up with that many parents. Who did you ask permission from?

A match made in heaven

Ray - "So how many years have you two been on again, off again?"

(Before another word is spoke she stomps in and throws his keys at him while saying something indecipherable)

Ray - "I guess this is off again?"

Steve brings his own wisdom

You are such a desirable woman. Do not settle. You are strong willed, independent and a bartender, what more could a man ask for?

John Deer Enlightens

There is plenty of time to sleep when you are dead

John Deer speaks the truth

You are the best bartender east of the mississippi! (That would be Misisippi according to Josh)

More of "the world according to Jake"

I didn't know midgets could have mini me's!?

What bartenders would do if they could

She is such a princess I want this bloody mary to burn her throat!

My favorite things according to Jake aka Karl

There's three things I hate -
1. Rats
2. Midgets
3. and apples!

Insight from M-Rick

The top three psycholigically influtential people are

1. Bartender
2. Police officer
3. Clergy

Josh: I cannot believe clergy even made the list

Mike and Darnell want to know

What are the 12 herbs and spices? Kentucky fried chicken is good but...

Walter get's it

Walter: Finally somone in this place who actually who knows what they are talking about.

Danno: That is because she hasn't been drinking as long as we have.

No Ego Boost from Special Ed

That would really suck to be stood up by your own son who knows you are paying the tab!

Exit wounds

Drive Safe! Drink Milk! Ask yourself.... What would McGyver do!

Delusions Shattered by Darnell

We love you because you are not datable! Every guy here knows that.

Little thing called love

I cannot in good conscience talk about things overheard or spoken at the bar without mentioning the countless "I love you's", Marriage proposals and propositions that are slung across the bar at any given moment. It is amazing the effect alcohol has on the human mind.

You Can have your cake and eat it too!

Garrett - I baked you a cake!
Bartender - I see that and appreciate that this one doesn't have naked body parts like Josh's cake did!
Garrett - I COULD make you one with different body parts.
Bartender - No thank you, I like it just the way it is!

Bartender - Cake for everyone!

ps - Garrett makes the best chocolate cake I have ever had!

What the...?

When I was a kid I used to run to the corner and piss under the traffic light. I think I was trying to get attention. Sometimes I still have the urge to piss in public. Do you think I need therapy?

The piddler

Getting Educated

Ray: "Matt, guess where Dave went to college."
Matt: "Adirondack Community College?"
Ray: "Nope."
Dave: "Actually Ray, I did go there for a year."

After the laughter dissipated Ray said "Ok well, where did he get his degree?"
Matt: "I don't know. Farmer's U?"
Ray: "No, the University of Miami."
Matt: "I always thought New England Farmers would spontaneously combust just south of the border!"

A jew walked into a bar on January 5, 2007

Just cause it says Kosher doesn't mean it's Matza! - Me

The world according to a tease

I don't know why I do what I do. It makes me feel good I guess. I will never do anything with any of these fools. Except take the free drinks and go home with an inflated ego.

WWMD? (What would MacGyver do)

Nicole "It should be what would Danno do!"
Bartender "No cause he believes me that you can do MacGyver-ish things without the chewing gum to stick it to the wall."

Holiday Spirit from Lynn

My Ex-Husband ruined Christmas for me. I hate December!

Seth's Christmas Bonus

What do you mean you don't get a Christmas Bonus? Tell the boss you want ESPN for a bonus so we can watch the games here!

Morals what?

"You mean if I wasn't wearing this wedding band you would dance with me?"

"Yes, that would be a different story." All the while saying no way in hell without words.

More November Fisher Price Porno

Gary - If you can't figure out what this is you have to buy our next round.

Me - I have no idea but it looks dirty

Gary - You are getting close.

Me - I give up.

Gary - It's a Pickle Eating Cheetah Fucker.

Me - Of course it is.

Luke - I didn't get it either but now I see it.

Me - I would buy you guys a round but it appears you have had enough to drink already.

November 11th with Luke and Gary

I love this game. We call it Fisher Price Porno!

Wednesday afternoon with Vicki

I am reading a book that is really helping me deal with things better. It's called "Nonviolent Communications".

Chrisitne likes what she likes

I am all for global warming!

Name that Tune with Jesse

If you can hum it out I can strum it out.

Ramblings of Jeremy from Ontario

I come from a small town in Ontario of about 150,000. There is no silent "J" in Ontario.

Jon writes about bar life

I come here for Baseball info and good music. If you pour a good drink that is just an added bonus.

Christine and Lauren in August

Where do smashable atoms come from?

Hear no evil speak no evil

Written on a t-shirt - What happens in the barn stays in the barn!

Senses are connected according to Dawn

Can you turn the music off so I can see this?

Matrimonial Wisdoms from Lauren

Any man who doesn't think his wife is perfect does not deserve to be married to her.

Carmen's July Revelation

Morning Comes Early...

Teaching of Special Ed

Why do we even celebrate Columbus Day? All Columbus did was get lost.

Doublemint

My neck still hurts from the double take. - Bill Two

Nicknames

Have you met my friend Bev? That is not Bev for Beverly, that is Bev for Beverage and if you are nice she might get you one - Wild Bill

The Psychic Bartender

You have some heavy duty positive shit. - Mother of the Skye

Um, thanks. - Me

The blame game

Let's Blame the Dead Guy. - Me

The beggar

Oh come on Becki's mom, just one beer to go? Stevie D.

A perfect Mantra

Becki's Mom is the Bomb! Stevie D., Taryn and Spanky

I can't even imagine

You need a big toe stretcher. Josh B.

All is forgiven

Sorry about my behavior the other night. But really, are you single? Leon

Can you make change?

That's too bad you only get a 10 with two fives. - Mike

Flip a coin

Rock, paper, scissors. Danno and Mike as to which of them would take the bartender home. (Neither were successful)

Mike - isms

Honey, how many relationships have you had that you can talk to me that way?

Can I get a friendly good afternoon WHAT?

Did you ever see the story about... Wild Bill trying to explain something he heard about not saw.

The most intelligent conversation that never happened

When I am sober we are going to have a conversation. Mike

Bolleyball anyone?

Craig - You and me, partners? Perfect we can open a bowling alley / Bar / with bands!

Me - All B's? I guess that means we will have to play Bolleyball on the beach out back.

Craig - We can make it a drinking game. That would create revenue right?