A little advice to live by
I call what I do my retirement. And usually it feels like it is but… There are times it feels like more work than it is worth. Every now and then I just want to be able to say what I really think. I get paid to feed egos, pump self-esteem and inflate fantasies. Sometimes I wanted to be able to say, "You are a fucking drunk!", "You need to find a life " or "After two drinks you really become an asshole", "Please take a shower before you come back", "You are not the smartest, best looking person that comes in here", "No, I would not sleep with you for all of the Bacardi in the world!". “No, that guy would not go home with you no matter how much booze I feed him.” Unfortunately, my work ethic prevents me from doing that. So instead I say, "I think you have had enough." or "Who is driving?" or "I know there is a trooper parked up the road checking, I cannot in good conscience serve you anymore." or “How about a little water for a while” or “I can’t keep serving you these heavy drinks, the owner is watching” Or my favorite, "I am not serving you anymore because you are acting like an idiot."
For those of you who frequent bars let me give you a few tips about bartenders.
Pace yourself. Otherwise it isn't pretty and we create blogs about you.
Rest assured we have seen a few people that can drink more than you! We probably can ourselves.
Poor Hygiene isn't good. Generally the bartender is sober and has a decent sense of smell. We will shut you off earlier just to get rid of you. No matter how pissed you get.
DO NOT start with the "Oh this one or that one is the greatest person thing" It is aggravating because then we KNOW you are already drunk and it is safe to show you the door.
REMEMBER you DO get louder as the drinks go down. Unfortunately for the poor sap behind the bar a bartenders hearing doesn't weaken!
We don’t care how many bars you have been in. You know nothing about our job until you have worked behind a bar for a period of time.
Bartenders DO NOT take someone home every night so do not even go there. Most bartenders like going home alone. Spend a few hours behind a bar and witness human nature in raw form and you would want to go home alone too!
Bartenders aren't lonely. More times than not we are not interested in your advances. And most female bartenders have taken self-defense courses or come to work armed. Most bar owners are fine with this as long as there are no witnesses or bodies to dispose of.
Bartenders are usually the only sober ones in the room so when they say you're done, then dammit – YOU'RE DONE! We are only saving you some major embarrassment tomorrow and the need to try to remember who you need to apologize to or figure out why you are banned from a bar.
No matter how smart or cute or funny you are when you are sober – YOU ARE NONE OF THESE THINGS AFTER A FEW DRINKS. Trust me.
Bartenders do love MOST of their regulars. Make sure you fall into the MOST category. If you don't then tip heavy and that will insure a "good" drink and a friendly greeting the next time you come in.
Top shelf usually means sucker to a bartender! You better know what country your vodka comes from before you order it! Otherwise you know shit about vodka! If you drink mixed drinks and are looking to get a good glow, skip the expensive stuff! The hangover is the same. You are not impressing anyone. You will be happy with the couple bucks in your pocket in the morning! There are some who know the difference. Those are the ones who do not sit in bars and get drunk.
Oh and most importantly – WE DO TALK!! What happens in the bar is common knowledge by 7am and probably posted on some blog somewhere! There really is something known as “The bartenders club”. If you act like an ass, every bartender within 50 miles hears about it within 24 hours.
Remember if you take care of your bartender he/she will take care of you BUT part of taking care of your bartender is NOT being an asshole. 95% of bar customers are good ones. We will watch out for you as long as you are not a jerk on a regular basis. In the case of the Bar Jerk” – we will use you for comic relief.
Last but not least, if you think you ARE, chances are you ARE NOT the biggest tipper at the bar. So stop bragging about it every time you come in. The best tip I got to this day was a $20 bill wrapped in a napkin with “Mary Lou in the fifth” written on it. A week later I was at Hinsdale Race Track and bet on a dog named Mary Lou’s fantasy in the fifth race and won $1500. That customer had no idea that I went to races at the time. The next time he came in he and his friends tab was on me! PS – Don’t breath under water is the most over used “Tip” ever. Please stop saying it. It is only funny to you.
I have always said if you want to know “the customer pays your salary” theory work in the restaurant industry for a week. Bartenders do not make minimum wage, though we do make a little more than servers. Like servers, we count on tips to survive.
Don’t get me wrong, this post is directed at about 5% of the people bartenders deal with. The other 95% we enjoy spending time with you and you do not fall into any of these categories. If you are NOT questioning which percentage you fall into, you fall into the 5%!
For those of you who frequent bars let me give you a few tips about bartenders.
Pace yourself. Otherwise it isn't pretty and we create blogs about you.
Rest assured we have seen a few people that can drink more than you! We probably can ourselves.
Poor Hygiene isn't good. Generally the bartender is sober and has a decent sense of smell. We will shut you off earlier just to get rid of you. No matter how pissed you get.
DO NOT start with the "Oh this one or that one is the greatest person thing" It is aggravating because then we KNOW you are already drunk and it is safe to show you the door.
REMEMBER you DO get louder as the drinks go down. Unfortunately for the poor sap behind the bar a bartenders hearing doesn't weaken!
We don’t care how many bars you have been in. You know nothing about our job until you have worked behind a bar for a period of time.
Bartenders DO NOT take someone home every night so do not even go there. Most bartenders like going home alone. Spend a few hours behind a bar and witness human nature in raw form and you would want to go home alone too!
Bartenders aren't lonely. More times than not we are not interested in your advances. And most female bartenders have taken self-defense courses or come to work armed. Most bar owners are fine with this as long as there are no witnesses or bodies to dispose of.
Bartenders are usually the only sober ones in the room so when they say you're done, then dammit – YOU'RE DONE! We are only saving you some major embarrassment tomorrow and the need to try to remember who you need to apologize to or figure out why you are banned from a bar.
No matter how smart or cute or funny you are when you are sober – YOU ARE NONE OF THESE THINGS AFTER A FEW DRINKS. Trust me.
Bartenders do love MOST of their regulars. Make sure you fall into the MOST category. If you don't then tip heavy and that will insure a "good" drink and a friendly greeting the next time you come in.
Top shelf usually means sucker to a bartender! You better know what country your vodka comes from before you order it! Otherwise you know shit about vodka! If you drink mixed drinks and are looking to get a good glow, skip the expensive stuff! The hangover is the same. You are not impressing anyone. You will be happy with the couple bucks in your pocket in the morning! There are some who know the difference. Those are the ones who do not sit in bars and get drunk.
Oh and most importantly – WE DO TALK!! What happens in the bar is common knowledge by 7am and probably posted on some blog somewhere! There really is something known as “The bartenders club”. If you act like an ass, every bartender within 50 miles hears about it within 24 hours.
Remember if you take care of your bartender he/she will take care of you BUT part of taking care of your bartender is NOT being an asshole. 95% of bar customers are good ones. We will watch out for you as long as you are not a jerk on a regular basis. In the case of the Bar Jerk” – we will use you for comic relief.
Last but not least, if you think you ARE, chances are you ARE NOT the biggest tipper at the bar. So stop bragging about it every time you come in. The best tip I got to this day was a $20 bill wrapped in a napkin with “Mary Lou in the fifth” written on it. A week later I was at Hinsdale Race Track and bet on a dog named Mary Lou’s fantasy in the fifth race and won $1500. That customer had no idea that I went to races at the time. The next time he came in he and his friends tab was on me! PS – Don’t breath under water is the most over used “Tip” ever. Please stop saying it. It is only funny to you.
I have always said if you want to know “the customer pays your salary” theory work in the restaurant industry for a week. Bartenders do not make minimum wage, though we do make a little more than servers. Like servers, we count on tips to survive.
Don’t get me wrong, this post is directed at about 5% of the people bartenders deal with. The other 95% we enjoy spending time with you and you do not fall into any of these categories. If you are NOT questioning which percentage you fall into, you fall into the 5%!
posted by B Kiddo at 12:30 AM
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